Autumn M.
Yelp
Questionable choreography shimmering Christmas lights, eager anticipation, and the promise of a magical dinner show. My recent experience at Dollys Parton Stampede unfortunately resembled a nightmare sketched by a disgruntled poultry farmer. Brace yourselves, readers, for a review that's less "fa-la-la" and more "fowl play."
Soup in Lunchables, Hens on Sheet Pans: The culinary nightmare began with our appetizer - "soup," generously described. Imagine lunchroom mystery meat simmering in plastic containers at your table, then unceremoniously dumped into bowls with tinfoil lids. My inner child wept while my adult self questioned basic hygiene standards.
The Main Event (or Misfire): The pièce de résistance, a roast hen, arrived perched precariously on a cookie sheet. Think cafeteria chicken multiplied by four, laid bare on a baking tray. Undercooked and unappetizing, it extinguished any remaining flames of culinary hope.
Forklore and Seasoning Scarcity: To combat this avian atrocity, you'll need to pack your own utensils. A single, lonely fork graced our table, leaving us battling both undercooked poultry and utensil limitations. Don't forget the salt shaker, either - the blandness will have you yearning for seasoning like a lost sailor for land.
High School Holiday Hijinks: For nearly $100 a ticket, I expected Broadway-worthy bells and whistles. What I got was a performance reminiscent of a high school talent show, complete with awkward pauses and choreography. The only fireworks were the sparks of regret flying from my wallet.
Save Your Scrooge for Something Else: So, dear reader, unless you have a hankering for undercooked hens, plastic-container soup, and amateur theatrics, avoid this place like Ebenezer Scrooge dodging carolers. Your wallet, your digestive system, and your holiday spirit will thank you. Instead, invest in a cozy Christmas movie night, complete with delicious takeout and actual silverware. It'll be infinitely more magical and far less likely to leave you questioning the meaning of culinary Christmas cheer.
Rating: 1 out of 5 Scrooge-approved bah-hums (and even that's generous).
Date of experience: December 2023