Sigrid S.
Yelp
Use 8/10/17, 3:30pm
I bought my ticket in advance, on site. Take note: As you pull in the working boat yard, drive slowly-lots of dry-land activity, vehicles, boat-towing, and pedestrians, and locals who just want you to get out of the way.
In front of you, you will see a newer building, with the sign 'Essex River Cruises'. You may be surprised to learn THIS IS NOT WHERE THEY ARE LOCATED. Turn around. Behind you. There is a small yellow shack on the river. This is where you buy tickets and wait for the boat. Yea, I know...As I learned from the restaurant, that actually is in the building with a sign, the river cruise company 'plans' to move in at some point, but no one knows when. I'm pretty sure that's why businesses put the signs up last. It would be easy enough to hang a sign on the door of the wrong building ('coming soon' or 'turn around Dummy'). It would be nice if this was at least noted on their website, but from the vibe of the whole Cape Ann area, I got the distinct impression that the locals wants your money, but they really don't want you. They know tourists are a necessary evil, but unlike other tourist destinations (nearby Cape Cod comes to mind), they don't fake it.
There are 3 cruises a day on their covered pontoon boat that runs in all weather. A fairly 'flat' ride, although some wakes from other boats, so if you usually use Dramamine, make sure to take it. Plenty of seating but if you've ever been on a boat cruise, you know there are no good seats, as views are 360 degrees, and someone's head is always in the way. I was lucky enough to sit next two 2 teens who literally didn't lift their heads from their phones the entire 90 minutes, so I really only had blocked views if I looked out the other side of the boat. Parents-seriously-just leave your teen a 7-11 or at the beach, and pick them up later. They will only be using their phones there too, only it won't set you back $26/person like the river cruise will. But for me personally, it was worth the price.
The cruise snakes throught the sea grasses, passing many boaters along the way, and opens up to the Atlantic. The tour guide (who is not the captain) shares along the way, but not so much he monopolizes the trip (thinking 'Duck Tours'...awful yuk-yuk jokes, assaulting your ears the whole time, no chance to take in the scenery, and then hounds you for tips at the end). There were a few dorky jokes, but enough standard info and quiet time that it wasn't irritating. However, I can only state that with minimal confidence, because it is possible our tour guide was Barry Kripke's son (look up Big Bang Theory if you don't know who I mean). Definite speech impediment of some sort. At first we thought it was the speakers, or the wind carrying the sound strangely. But I heard him speaking off-mike to a few of the passengers, so I know it was his voice. I'm not sure why this would be the choice for a job that would otherwise require clear speech.
Having said that, I only understood about 35% of anything he said, which is mostly why I am rating this business a 3, along with the mismarked location with no attempt to redirect potential customers. Oh, and the hawking of overprices beverages and snacks on board the boat and the not-so-veiled speech at the end, encouraging you to patronize specific local businesses.
It was a nice, leisurely experience in general, but certainly yours will depend on the mix of people you're on the boat with (I was seated in a nice section, others were not so fortunate-pushy parents letting their kids crawl ON other passengers to get better views, hogging the 2 pairs of 'shared boat' binoculars the entire trip, standing in the aisles so no one else could see anything...you know the type. Unless you are the type, then you have no idea what I'm talking about). It's really not an activity for young kids (90 minutes of sitting) unless they are specifically interested in boats and being on the water (not much wildlife other than a few birds).