Ryan M.
Yelp
"A map of Texas that don't include Utopia ain't even worth lookin' at, y'all, 'cuz it leaves out the one cafe where all the locals and travelers are always stoppin' to eat pie."
--Oscar Wilde*
Okay, perhaps that isn't a direct quote, but if Oscar Wilde had been raised in Uvalde County, he would surely echo my sentiments about Lost Maples Cafe. Utopia, a scenic one-hour drive from San Antonio, is home to...well...this cafe, a bar, and a cemetery. Perhaps the local chamber of commerce should coin the phrase, "Eat, Drink, and Die in Utopia!" But I digress; don't let the implied ennui of Utopia dissuade you from dropping by Lost Maples Cafe for an unpretentious burger, onion rings, a comforting plate of cheese enchiladas, or a slice of heavenly meringue pie.
The burgers are nothing special, just juicy patties seared on a flattop and piled high with iceberg, tomatoes, white onion, and yellow mustard. The patties are too perfectly circular to be hand-pressed from fresh beef, suggesting that owners Rusty and Tacy Redden source their wares from Sysco. That's less of a criticism than it is an observation, because frozen beef is often just as tasty as fresh. On a recent visit, my dad spoke highly of his standard burger, comparing it favorably to the kind served at The Twin Kiss, a long-defunct diner in San Antonio owned and operated by his parents in the 1950s and 60s. The vegetation was fresh, the patty was well seasoned, and the buttery bun held its own against the meat juices, tomatoes, and mustard.
Followers of mine know of my fetishistic obsession with onion rings. I write about onion rings so often that I could pen a doctoral dissertation on the alchemical Maillard reaction that occurs when onions are dredged in flour and deep fried. If by chance you are new to my page, however, then here's the lowdown: I expect nothing less than a shatteringly crisp batter speckled with cracked pepper and onions that teeter between soft/caramelized and crisp/astringent. The rings at Lost Maples Cafe come close to that standard, ranking among the top ten I've tried throughout the state of Texas. A little extra seasoning (pepper in particular) might catapult them to the top of the list.
Comparing the Tex-Mex fare at a small town diner with the best Mexican joints in San Antonio would be like comparing the horsepower between a Model T and a Mustang. Having said that, my plate of cheese enchiladas was generous and comforting. The beef gravy -- chunky, surprisingly piquant, and undoubtedly homemade -- would have benefited from more cumin but was delicious nonetheless. The gooey American cheese was melted all the way through (a feat that "muy autentico" Tex-Mex joints occasionally fail to achieve), and the thinly sliced onions practically melted into the gravy-cheese mixture, imbuing it with an understated pungency. The accompanying Spanish rice was serviceable, but I damned the pasty, lukewarm refried beans back to the can from whence they emerged.
Lost Maples Cafe does many things well, but their reputation as a pie destination rivals that of the Double R Diner from Twin Peaks. A slice of dense chocolate fudge pecan pie, still warm from the oven, scored high marks with a buttery, crumbly crust, a creamy, dark chocolate fudge base, and a generous helping of meaty Texas pecans. Even more impressive was a slice of lemon pie topped with a two-inch mound of meringue. The well-balanced custard (equal parts sweet and sour) was smooth and tasted of fresh lemon juice and lemon zest. The meringue bore no signs of weeping, suggesting that it had been stored properly at room temperature and in a draft-free location. Pro tip: order an extra slice and marry it at the justice of the peace across the street.
If you live in Utopia, then you already know why Lost Maples Cafe has been a local favorite for almost forty years. If you're planning a trip to Garner State Park or have some other business nearby, then heed my recommendation and drop by for a friendly smile and a slice of pie. If you're a serial killer just passing through, then consider Victor Hugo's take on the concept of Utopia from "Les Miserables" (1862): "Utopia and pie today, flesh and blood tomorrow." What, did I get that quote wrong, too?
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*See, this is why you read my reviews. Where else on Yelp would you find bastardized quotes from the likes of Oscar Wilde and Victor Hugo?
