Garrett M.
Yelp
Horrible. Absolutely the worst drinking experience I ever had in this city.
I loves me a good cocktail so I asked a bartender for the cocktail menu, a copy of which I have helpfully enclosed in this review. I had lost my job and my significant other left me for someone more attractive than me, so I figured what the hell, gotta get those endorphins up and tried every one on the menu. Let's go over each one from first to last:
I enjoyed the first drink I ordered, the "Nojito," but was expecting something much different when I ordered the next, the "Lord Pretensia Caipirinha," only to find it was the exact same drink as the first. WTF? How can their take on the Mojito AND the Caipirinha be the same 16 oz. can of Tecate? Complete lack of originality on their part, and a huge disappointment after I was so looking forward to a good Caipirinha after my two-week long vacay in Rio.
"Uh, Something Fruity? Something Different Maybe?" One of my favorite drinks that I order all the time and which most places are HAPPY to serve me. How can you mess this one up? While the barkeep warned me going in that what he had was not fruity per se as different, I can't help but feel the end result was just as disappointing as the last drink. The third nipple on his back was watered down, way too much ice, and so much simple syrup I felt like I was drinking a lollipop. Imagine my surprise, then, when I ordered the next drink, "Anything With Simple Syrup," only to be told that's waaaaaaay too complicated boss. Too complicated? Coming from a professional mixologist under the employ of One Star licensed premises? Unbelievable.
"The Classic Manhattan" was a used Metro card, which I needed because I was about to spend all my money here. I should have known to try the card before I gave the guy a tip (which you'll find was the ONLY reason he got anything at all), because once again I was disappointed to find it was a week-long unlimited pass that had expired literally on the night I got it. Who buys a week-long pass? EVERYONE knows you get more of a value if you buy the monthly pass. What, did the original purchaser not think he was going to take a train a week later?
"Clickbait" is a HUGE ripoff. Chicken nugget had a barely legible signature, let alone signed by Ray Liotta. Market price is whatever the hell the bartender feels like charging for what its worth to skim off the top for himself.
I wanted to throw the barkeep for a loop and order, instead of the next drink, "Knob Creek 18-Year, Neat," a mere house whiskey on the rocks. I was given a Knob Creek 18-Year Neat and charged 18 bucks anyway.
For the next mixological war crime, the "Long Island Ice Tea," billed as "made with 4C powder mix from King Kullen," actually had alcohol in it. Gross!
I was an astute customer and read all the way down the menu to see "Separate Card Swipe for Each Drink" was an option, for which you receive a free drink! However, as the saying goes, it is true here as it is anywhere that THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE DRINK! Where do I start with this abortion of a drink? The weakest concoction of Isopropyl alcohol, cyanide, hemlock, and Uranium 238 in an ashtray I've ever tasted, so barely there I've had visions of angels that were less ethereal than this drink. Never mind I take small doses of each of those chemicals in order to build up a Rasputin-like tolerance should someone ever try to poison me. Well, excuse me for expecting to be SURPRISED. Also ashtray had menthol cigarettes. Disgusting.
Finally, the "Get Drunk Using This One Weird Trick." I had such a thoroughly unpleasant experience drinking here and I was hoping the bottle of butterscotch schnapps they gave me would be enough ethyl alcohol in my system to kill me, because I'd rather be dead than dignify the Trail of Tears they doled out to me by closing my tab, but no such luck. I finished the bottle and added an extra $97 to my tab.
They call themselves One Star, as if that's what they want me to give them. I'm not going to give this incompetent dive the satisfaction. Five Stars! That'll show them!