Ricky S.
Yelp
Hello, reader. It's been a while. How are you? Pull up a chair - let me share my experience of dining at The Roxy.
Tonight the Sausage family dines in honor of Sally's ex-partner signing a quit claim deed. Breaking up can be mess - moreso when assets like housing are involved. To close the book on this challenging chapter, we loudly exclaim:
"WE DESERVE THIS."
COCKTAILS
The Sausage family communion begins with a round of delicious beverages. Let us entice your senses with each Sausage's experience.
Beaky Sausage enjoys a French 75. "I think I've had better, but I'm impressed they had French 75 nonetheless. It doesn't quite live up to my virgin French 75 experience." What can ever live up to a virgin experience? Unsullied, pure, the idea of an experience untainted. Reality comes crashing in like a bull, trampling your expectations into the dust of the earth.
Sapphire Sausage sips sweetly at his ice water. "Glasses are great. Condensation is what you need - it's there. 7/10 water, -3 because it could be better."
Howdy Sausage enjoys his aptly named "Giggle Juice." Between bouts of giggling he remarks, "It's okay. I don't hate it, but I don't love it because it's too alcohol-y and a little bit too lemon-y, and I'm not a big lemon drinker guy."
Lenin and Gerdy Sausage sup at their Paper Plane. They note, ""it's refreshing. The bubbles make me feel like I'm exiting my body. Comparable to my ayahuasca experience in Peru. The Paper Plane sends me soaring."
Sally and Moldy Sausage share a Tribute cabernet. Moldy: "My skin feels all tingly on the outside. It made me scrunch my nose, but it felt worth it." Sally: "apparently the table really likes it."
Rainy Sauage puckers at her cider, the Black Cherry Downeast. ""Pretty good actually. Light cider, slight tinge of cherry but not a whole lot. It does not make me want to cry."
I, Ricky Sausage, kind and benevolent god of Yelp, beveraged upon a Colorado Cold One. The beer was a sweet lager, much like a Coors banquet or some such, but a bit hoppier and bitter. Then I pour some in my eye and it takes it to the next level. Good luck not getting kicked out of the restaurant for this one!
FOOD
After imbibing a plethora of drinks - nay - a CORNUCOPPIA OF DRINKS, a horn-of-plenty so full to bursting with liquid that merely touching said cornucoppia would unleash a torrent upon the Earth of biblical proportions, we proceed to dine. Nay! FEAST upon a CORNUCOPPIA OF FOOD much like our wandering puritanical forefathers before us.
Beaky munches on the Kale-lorado. "I was sad they didn't have chicken breast, but the salmon was excellent. I couldn't taste the fork, which was a good thing I think. I did take a few bites of Ricky's pork-" she says as she knocks my fork out of my pork.
Sapphire pecks with his fleshy beak at the Reuben. ""Taste is great, sauce is great. Seems like they have portion sizes that they have to stick to by Big Reuben these days. I don't know who isn't afraid of Big Reuben. They could have a little bit more to it."
Conspiracies aside, Big Reuben is out to get us all.
Howdy, in active defiance of Big Reuben (come get me, BR) eats a Turkey Club proudly. "I like to respect woman. The bread is too crusty. I don't think there's any blood in my mouth. Yeah, I don't prefer blood."
Gerdy also stands strong with Howdy, dining on a Turkey Club. "The raspberry jam really gives it a pop. The toothpicks were very clean."
Lenin grazes on a strawberry field salad, plate as wide and strong as a true strawberry field. "It's great. Very refreshing. Barratta is delicious. It feels like the arugula is sourced from Mexico - the good stuff they have to smuggle across the border."
Sally befriends her Salmon Flat Bread. "It's good. Spicy. The salmon was named Franklin, I think. His death was probably very sad, but my experience of eating him was fine. But I was sad while remembering the experience of his death. The capers did him dirty." Rest in peace in Sally's stomach, Franklin.
Moldy partakes of the Truffle French Fries, a classic as American as apple pie, cherry pie, pecan pie, etc. "They taste like truffle fries, but I don't see any truffle on the fries. I don't know why my truffle fries have blue cheese, but it's not bad." We were too scared to ask about their truffle pig because Big Reuben was watching us.
Finally, I avail myself of the macaroni with pork supplement. My first bite took me to the moon, robbed of oxygen and atmosphere. As the vacuum yanked at my eyeballs, the pork brought me back to earth just in time. Yum!
CONCLUSION
Did you make it this far, reader? Are you still awake? In summary, the Sausage family were pleased by Roxy. It's not often a music venue can pull off food and drink, but Roxy does so with a flourish. All of the Sausage family will remember this day. Thank you, Rixy!