Tommy U.
Yelp
Ignore all of these five star friends & fam smoke blowing feel good reviews, because Panzón is trash. Shiny, buzzy, brand new trash, but trash none the less. Fuck the vibes.
Honestly, I had high hopes and a really open mind coming into Panzón. I love living in this neighborhood, and part of that is the amazing quality of food and litany of dining choices we have here and I was hoping to add a new spot to my growing list of in-the-hood go-to's. But to say that I was disappointed in literally every facet of my dining experience, would be an understatement.
Let's start at the top. We were seated at the bar so subsequently we were 'waited' on by the bartenders who were seemingly uninterested in our experience if not altogether inattentive. Which is whatever, but it didn't help that their watery Michelada was $14 bucks. That house Michelada mix is nothing to write home about and Minnow's is doing one way better for half the price just a few blocks away. Step that shit up if you're going to have a little blurb about the mix on your menu. My partner ordered a spicy Marg but was served a regular one in a glass half-filled. So half of the wrong marg for $18 bucks. Cool. Off to a stellar start here. Usually I don't mind higher prices when the product and service are justifying that, but that just isn't the case here.
The disappointment kept coming as we were served our food (without plates, silverware or napkins mind you, we had to ask for those things). We ordered the fried onions, the sticky wings, and the chicken tinga tacos. Three items from the three different sections of the menu. Now maybe the chef is still working out the kinks of this menu, kinda workshopping some ideas around, but if that's the case then let me provide some constructive feedback: this ain't it. When I say that the onion appetizer was literally a bowl of those crispy fried onions that are supposed to go on Ma's green bean casserole but you drunkenly ate all of them standing in the pantry doorway at 3am in your underwear, I mean they're just that. I guess I was expecting something "elevated" but I felt like Michael Bluth looking in the bag labeled 'dead dove', not exactly sure what else I was expecting. Maybe that one was on me. But the 'sticky wings'? Nah. You gotta come correct with a wing. Do you know how hard it is to fuck up a chicken wing? These we're some of the most uninspired, one-note wings I've ever had. Lazily conceived and lazily executed. I've experienced more depth of flavor in my toothpaste. If my nearest comp to your wing is the grab-n-go day-old wings at the Keyfood, it's time to step it up. Don't give me that 'wings aren't our thing' bullshit either because on an 11 item menu, everything on it has to be your thing. Enerugi, the new ramen spot on Manhattan Ave., is doing an amazing wing. Keg and Lantern, Little Tiffin, Pelicana, Brew Inn; the list of places to get decent wings in Greenpoint is long. Get this trash ass wing outta here.
Let's move on to the tacos. Shame on you Panzón. Shame. on. you. Are you fucking kidding me. As a "Mexican" restaurant, with that tiny ass menu, these should be a home fucking run. They're not. They're bad and Panzón, you should feel bad. Un-marinated, un-seasoned, unloved chicken, topped and slopped with some bottled guac non-sense. Next time you're at Keyfood picking up your wings, grab some fucking avocados and some pico de gallo.
Listen, despite the disappointing, watery, half-filled drinks; the dazed and confused service; the boring ass monotone food; I was still going to leave a tip. I never not tip, especially after spending so much. But honestly this was just too much: I was mistakenly charged twice for this bullshit, but wasn't told about it. I had developed such a horrid gut feeling about this place over the course of my dinner that I just intuited that when the closing of my tab was taking so long, it was because I had mistakenly been charged twice. I checked my bank account on my phone and I was right lol. I pointed this out to the person closing the tab (who wasn't who served us?) and she apologized but when I asked if she was going to tell me that I had been mistakenly charged twice, she said "If you're refund doesn't go through, you can DM me on Instagram." Are you fucking kidding me? lol nah. Be a professional, inform me that you made a mistake, apologize (and honestly maybe offer to comp a thing or two) and keep it movin'. Don't make a mistake worse by making another one in not telling me. It's fuckin' amateur hour over here.
The end of the dinner was a fitting summation of the Panzón experience as a whole: clumsy, ill conceived, and poorly executed. There's more than opening month jitters marring Panzón's first impressions in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, cute logos and lamps, and unearned prices can't hide a place completely bereft of direction. Forget about actually designing a thoughtful menu with a resonant unique voice; can we just cover the fucking basics?