Maple & Ash throws a party as sad as its seafood tower - Review - Miami - The Infatuation

"Maple & Ash is a performative restaurant that puts on a terrible show. “I don’t give a f*@k” is the name of their $225 tasting menu, but it feels like the steakhouse’s philosophy. The Chicago transplant landed in Downtown’s Miami Worldcenter armed with multi-themed rooms featuring giant chandeliers, candelabras, and a menu that curses like a rebellious tween. It seems to care very much about looking cool. But instead of edgy, this steakhouse comes off as try-hard and greedy. Maple & Ash desperately tries to impress you with the illusion of luxury—things like free chips and caviar, bubbling seafood towers, panoramic views, and complimentary cocktails. But the chips are stale, crustaceans are drowning in salty chili oil, that welcome cocktail tastes like baby tears, and the “view” faces a giant bowling alley. Their baked and loaded potatoes are pureed into white clumps laced with stringy short rib, and the tough sweetbreads could double as stress balls. Then there’s the upselling. It starts with an $85 cocktail and doesn’t stop until you’ve declined every caviar blini, extra steak sauce, dessert wine, and espresso thrown at you. video credit: Virginia Otazo video credit: Virginia Otazo video credit: Virginia Otazo video credit: Virginia Otazo video credit: Virginia Otazo Pause Unmute Some reservations are exiled to the crowded pink bar. The lucky ones sit in the main room eating leaky agnolotti and chewy steaks on white tablecloths, next to men with wedding ring tan lines and their dates. Quasi-famous people and folks with metal credit cards have the privilege of dining under a palm tree chandelier in front of the kitchen. Servers will attempt to charm you with free stuff. But it tastes awful. And the freebies don’t make up for the aggressive upselling, or the salt-swollen hands and deflated bank account you wake up to the next morning. Dirty words, champagne sabers, and caviar don’t impress a city with a long list of clubstaurants like Miami. To survive, Maple & Ash should give more Fs about the food and treat people less like ATMs. Food Rundown Fire-Roasted Seafood Tower Their cheapest tower is $140 and comes with one shriveled oyster, one scallop, one limp shrimp, a crab claw, half a mealy lobster, and a few clams. It’s all swimming in chili oil so salty you’ll ask them to leave the water pitcher. In an unwelcome twist, they dump even saltier pasta into the oil. PlayMute video credit: Virginia Otazo Fork & Knife Caesar Salad You’ll only need to lift your fork a few times to finish this tiny salad. It tastes like it came from a grocery store kit, and no knife is needed. PlayMute video credit: Virginia Otazo Pillows Of Love When you stab the agnolotti with your fork, it hocks a ricotta loogie from its salty, undercooked pasta body before collapsing on the prongs. photo credit: Hass and Hass Classic Ribeye Surprisingly, not salty. But the $6-$12 accompanying sauces you’re pushed to order are. And the steak is tough even when cooked medium rare. PlayMute video credit: Ryan Pfeffer I Don’t Give A F*ck Tasting Menu This tasting menu is $225 per person and changes at the whim of the kitchen, but usually involves an appetizer, the atrocious seafood tower, steak, fish, a side, and dessert. These dishes are available a la carte. So if you want to be in charge of your own terrible destiny, go that route instead." - Virginia Otazo