A. V.
Yelp
We made the mistake of coming here for Christmas dinner and now we're atheists. First, there's no social distancing in the place. The management is packing in customers to every available table, unlike every other "we care if our customers come back alive" restaurant in town. Second, the place is freezing since every customer entering the front door creates a refridgerator gust across the front dining section. The patrons to the left & right of us were *literally* hugging themselves. I just wore my coat the entire time.
We were seated at 6:15 PM and sat around for twelve minutes before the waiter finally noticed us. We ordered cocktails (a little too sweet, IMHO) and ordered. *Forty minutes later* the appetizers arrived. Actually, we ordered one appetizer but they brought the brussel sprouts we'd ordered as a side to our entrees. So that's weird. Shouldn't sides come with the entree? Oh well, the waiter was Casper at this point and we dug in anyway because we've got nothing but cocktails in us at this point.
At 6:45 the couple to our left was seated and at 7:23 they dug into their entrees. Forty-three minutes after they'd been seated, we still had not been served. And we had the same waiter. At this point we were in full WTF confusion and I went to ask the waiter WTF but he had gone *poof* again. So I had to walk to the bar and ask somebody to find him. Eight minutes later he shows up and I'm like, "Whaaaaaat's going on?" He apologized profusely and promised to, "Go check on your meal," and *poof* he was gone again. After another ten minutes our red wine appeared.
The entrees never did.
We sat another forty minutes before the people to our left, that had arrived about a half hour after us, were served their dessert... well, half of it. The waiter forgot his cheesecake so he scrambled for that. They forget a lot here, to the point of absurdity. It's so weird. Do I have to ask for silverware? Why does the bus boy ask us two different times if he can take our empty plates and when I say yes he turns and walks away? Are my empty cocktail glasses joining us for dinner? I imagine this is what the restaurants in purgatory are like. If they'd been on top of getting our drinks we could have made a drinking game out of "Thanks for you patience." Well you know, our patience has limits, and after an hour and fifty minutes we bailed. It was like being in "Tenet" where everything is backwards and you arrive/leave the restaurant hungry.
On our way out we walked to the hostess and asked, "Who's runs this place?" and they laughed back, "Not us!" (LOL! Honey, we love you! Don't ever change!) and I knew immediately it wasn't just us. Check out the "currently 65 reviews not recommended" and you'll find similar stories to ours. Heck, sort by low rating and you'll see that this place has a systemic problem it clearly isn't interested in fixing. Anyway, we told the manager we were walking and weren't paying a penny. She spouted all the 'we want to make it right' blah, blah, blah nonsense that all managers spew like an answering machine message to somehow placate. Look, you can't make it right unless you empty a five gallon gas can and torch the place, and then after the fire department douses the conflagration, let me take a tinkle on the ashes. Spoonbar isn't a 'restaurant.' I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a bus station. Or a waiting room for a colonoscopy. Because it certainly feels like they were up my bum.
I asked her where the nearest McDonald's was (it's up the street) and wished her a Merry Christmas. This is our new Worst Restaurant Experience, edging out the past winners for the simple reason that, as horrifc as those experiences were, the other Worst Places *actually fed us*. This was our Christmas dinner and we never got our meal. Although to be fair to Spoonbar, nothing personifies the Christmas spirit more than starving like Mary and Joseph, waiting in the cold, and wondering where your next meal is coming from.
I dunno, maybe this kitchen should go full "The Bear" and start screaming and throwing things at people more. Because if it takes waiters ducking knives to get my meal, well, after tonight, I'm good with that, especially with these halfwits. We drove fifty minutes to Healdsburg, double that to get home. So we wasted 3 1/2 hours *trying* to eat here. You might think 1 Star is a bit harsh but this place has failed the absolute minimum at restauranting: Putting food in front of me. Technically speaking, they deserve 0 stars since they provided 0 entrees but Yelp! doesn't have a 'skull & crossbones' rating, so 1 star it is. Henceforth we now describe all staggeringly inept restaurant experiences as, "We got Spoonbarred."
TL;DR: How come McDonald's fries taste so good? Is it sparkle dust off a Unicorn horn? Seriously, they're delicious.
UPDATE: Dear Tara, sorry, my mistake. I have corrected the error regarding Chef Tesar. Otherwise, this review *is* the Healdsburg restaurant.