Andrés Carne De Res feels like showing up late to a sloppy party - Review - Miami - The Infatuation
"“What happens in Andrés stays in Andrés,” whispers an adult man in red face paint and plastic devil horns. But over his shoulder, evidence points to the contrary. Pharrell’s “Get Lucky” echoes through the half-empty dining room, the projector projects no signal, and the bit of alcohol from your $24 frozen drink triggers a full-body yawn rather than a confident shimmy to the dance floor. It’s a Saturday night by the way. The famous steakhouse’s first US location fails to deliver the unhinged meat party that made Andrés’ Colombian restaurants so legendary. The Lincoln Road space is divided into three floors—each one loosely based on the afterlife. The first floor is referred to as hell, the second floor is paradise, and the rooftop, almost always empty, is heaven. photo credit: World Red Eye photo credit: World Red Eye photo credit: World Red Eye Pause Unmute If the reservation gods place you in hell, thank them. You’ll at least eat in front of a live band and maybe summon the courage to dance a little. But if, like us, your questionable morals get you in the limbo state of paradise, you'll have to gawk at a live feed of the performance below. On the walk to the table, the staff will tell you not to worry, that it’s just like being downstairs, but don’t believe them—they work for the devil. One way you can game the system here is to tell them you’re celebrating something—anything. That way, you get a Colombian welcome sash and a tablespoon of fun from the roving cajoneros and trumpeters (at no extra charge). For a moment there, it feels like the Andrés from Colombia. But the moment’s shattered as soon as the outrageous bill shows up to once again remind you that you’re on Lincoln Road, not in Zona T. video credit: Mariana Trabanino photo credit: World Red Eye photo credit: World Red Eye Pause Unmute We’ve actually been to Andrés D.C. Bogotá. The one on Lincoln Road is a mediocre imitation. Sure they have the same life-size cow sculptures, floor plan, and a respectable lomo al trapo. But only one Andrés succeeds at making hell a desirable destination. While people in the Bogotá location cumbia on tables and pound back four-ounce shots of aguardiente, the people at Andrés Miami cramp up from sitting for so long and settle for extra orders of arepa de choclo. The cheeky devil whispers lies. What actually happens in Andrés only happens if you book a flight to Colombia. The Lincoln Road version is a kind of hell, but not the fun kind. Food Rundown The Actors Firefighters put out fires, philosophers impart wisdom, and Andrés Carne De Res performers distract you from an otherwise dull dinner. PlayMute video credit: Mariana Trabanino Mandarino The frozen drink comes in a wide ceramic bowl and tastes like a watered-down version of Tampico juice. You gulp it to see if it’ll make this tepid dinner a little more interesting. Not really. PlayMute video credit: Mariana Trabanino Arepa De Choclo Con Queso Tipo Mozzarella Gratinado This cheesy arepa is the best thing on the menu, and also serves as a painful reminder of how enjoyable this restaurant actually is in Colombia. At $8, it’s also a painful reminder of how expensive South Beach is. PlayMute video credit: Mariana Trabanino Tostón Con Queso Tipo Mozzarella Gratinado Con Todo This is a good thing to order for big groups. It’s like a tostón pizza that comes with six different toppings on the side: ground beef, chicharrones, cheese, beans, guacamole, and hogao. PlayMute video credit: Mariana Trabanino Lomo Al Trapo Looking past the brutally long and awkward tableside preparation of this beef tenderloin—which involves watching the server repeatedly smack the cloth-wrapped beef—it’s very good. It also comes with three different sauces: au poivre, honey mustard, and chimichurri with parmesan. Dip each piece in all three sauces at once. PlayMute video credit: Mariana Trabanino Churrasco This is the steak your dad will complain about the entire night for being overpriced (it’s $58) and overcooked (he’s right). Stick to the lomo. PlayMute video credit: Mariana Trabanino Tres Leches Oh, you still haven’t asked for the check? Well, if you really want to stick around for dessert, this dense tres leches is a little too sweet, but it’ll do. photo credit: Mariana Trabanino" - Mariana Trabanino
