"Like movie popcorn or Gucci sneakers for babies, Mango’s is a ripoff. But the nightclub/restaurant/hookah bar/salsa studio/Miamified funhouse is a charmingly kitschy reminder of why we should visit Ocean Drive at least once a year: to put on our best Hawaiian shirt and pay too much for a wildly fun touristy night out. photo credit: Mango's Tropical Cafe South Beach photo credit: Mango's Tropical Cafe South Beach photo credit: Mango's Tropical Cafe South Beach It costs $98 per person to reserve a table at Mango’s from Sunday to Wednesday, and $116.76 from Thursday to Saturday. That's if you want to sit down and eat. The view is better from the tables, but you can also just walk in and sit at the bar before 8pm, when there's usually no cover fee. If you do opt for the proper dinner show experience, it includes a $60 credit that goes towards food and drinks. However, consider eating before you come, and instead put that money to use on beer or straight liquor (the cocktails are basically liquified Skittles). Most of the food tastes like it only requires two minutes in the microwave to prepare. If you are starving, the chicken parm has enough cheese and tomato sauce to get you through the night. But none of that is why you’re here because at around 8pm, the fun really begins. The bar transforms into a stage that juggles a dizzying range of rapid-fire acts more vast than the Pacific Ocean. Within the span of 30 minutes, you’ll see a magician turn one bottle of liquor into 10, an opera singer belting his little heart out like Luciano Pavarotti, and a shockingly impressive cover of Tina Turner's "Proud Mary." If you blink, you might just miss a sturdy salsa dancer in a bejeweled shirt lift his partner overhead with one hand. video credit: Julia Malave And throughout this tropical rainbow whirlpool, you can’t help but think, god, I love this city. There seems to be no end in sight as the show goes on. It might very well go till 5am, when this place closes. We’ve never made it that far. Performers, who sometimes pull double duty as your server, continuously cycle through the stage, creating an overstimulating time warp. Three disorienting hours of Miami razzle-dazzle pass but the charm of it all never fades. It’s the kind of over-the-top touristy night out that should be an annual ritual for every Miamian. Food Rundown photo credit: Mango's Tropical Cafe South Beach Any Cocktail Is a guaranteed headache the next morning. We’d recommend sticking to beer, but alcohol is definitely the best use of your $60 credit. photo credit: Virginia Otazo Fried Chicken Tenders This probably exists for the few kids who, believe it or not, come here with iPads and somehow manage to tune out the buff trio of men in cowboy hats dancing on stage. But if you didn’t eat before like we strongly suggested, order the tenders because they’re the best thing on the menu. video credit: Julia Malave Chicken Parmigiana The sauce from the spaghetti tastes like your go-to jarred tomato sauce from Publix. And the chicken is chicken, but tastes like a towel topped with cheese and tomato. photo credit: Mango's Tropical Cafe South Beach Burrata & Prosciutto De Parma Pizza We’re aware it’s “di parma” and not “de parma,” but that’s how Mango’s spells it. It’s actually an accurate spelling for this pizza because it’s about as Italian as DiGiorno frozen pizza. photo credit: Mango's Tropical Cafe South Beach Whole Bahamian Fried Snapper Surprisingly OK. photo credit: Mariana Trabanino Key Lime Pie We’re confident this is supermarket key lime pie, but we’re not mad. It’s a nice citrusy closer to end a night you’ll still be trying to make sense of weeks later." - Mariana Trabanino
