Jan Fredrik B.
Yelp
"Good evening and welcome to Nobu London..." Yeah, right! I didn't feel welcome at all.
At Nobu London you can reserve a table, but for a maximum of two hours. This is the new generation of fast food. Literally.
"Would you like some *something unintelligible*?" Some what? "Oh, you haven't been here before. Eh, what do you usually like to eat?" My sister says that she likes spring rolls and tempura maki. "Nice, something more?" We actually have to ask if it's possible to wait for the last one (me, I came a few minutes late) before ordering, and maybe have a look at the menu.
When I arrive they start filling up our glasses with water. That we pay for. You take one sip and they're all over you filling up your glass again. And again. And again. "Do you want another one?"
So, food then. We decide to order a wide range of sushi, meat, green beans and spring rolls to share. After giving our order she suggests ordering a main meal for each of us as well, because it won't be enough. We have to convince her that we'll start with this, and then see.
Ordering a couple of beers and a coke as well. Beer is thrown into the glass with no control, I've rarely seen that much foam. And they continue filling up all the time. Just to get rid of it. So we can order some more.
And now the food starts arriving. First some sushi. At least the food isn't the worst I've ever tasted. That's something. Moving the last piece of sushi from the plate, and they're all over us again removing the plate. It happens again, and again. They even ask if they could take out those we haven't finished yet.
We're kinda wondering if this is a comedy show with hidden cameras. At least not a restaurant where you have to pay £3.50 for rice in an espresso cup, and where a dinner for three adults and a child, without starters or dessert, costs £160. Remember that we ordered little food. Yet we were all satisfied. We would like to have some dessert, though. But not here.
Paying was an exciting process. Just by putting the credit card at the table we got the bill, and seconds later the payment machine. "Insert your card here, please". We had to persuade her to let us look at the bill first. No option whether you wanted to pay the service charge or not, even though the bill stated this opportunity.
Before leaving for dessert at Hard Rock Café I had to go to the toilet. Straight forward, to the right, in through some doors who made me wonder if I was heading toward a submarine or space ship. Then down some stairs and through a couple of corridors. Oh, there it is! If you're a man at least, women has a few more stairs to take.
After doing what I had to, I went to wash my hands (of course). Oh, another Nobu-employee. Thanks for showing me how to turn on the water, I wouldn't find out myself. Yeah, I know how soap dispensers works as well, thanks dude. And even before I got the soap off my hands he stood there with the towel up in my face. If I want another one? Does it look like I would need another one. Don't think so. And then you want money? Here is a pound, hope you're happy!
So... finding my way back is the next mission. I wasn't aware that I came here for a labyrinth adventure, but that's how it turned out. After taking some stairs, I try a door. Oh, hi dude. "This is wrong way" We take one more stair before trying again. Old flowers, meeting rooms and an elevator. Guess it's wrong again. After walking up and down the stairs trying some doors we found our way out of the labyrinth.
Finally out of this place we're heading down the street for a dessert at Hard Rock Café. At least we're welcome and we can even sit as long as we want.
Spare your time, money and irritation. You're not welcome at Nobu anyway.