"Queen. The term is used to praise impeccably dressed friends who are effortlessly thriving, or emulating Mary, Queen of Scots, who came to power at the wee age of six days. It's the complete opposite of what you’d expect from a place with the monstrous label of clubstaurant, which is what Queen is. But this South Beach spot, against all odds, merits the esteemed title. Everything about the experience is appropriately excessive. Before entering, you’re greeted by the Queen’s Guard (a bouncer), who will confirm your reservation while discreetly judging your outfit to see if you should be allowed in (no, seriously, they send a breakup-length text outlining the strict dress code and won’t let you in no matter how cool your Grateful Dead tee is). photo credit: Queen photo credit: Sebastian Bednarski photo credit: Queen The 45-second journey down the narrow hallway of this historic theater is long enough to cast feelings of doubt, curiosity, and a wary hopefulness for what lies ahead. That’s dramatic, we know, but so is this place. After the commute down the hall and through the bar, you enter a dining room that warrants a moment of appreciation. Aesthetically, Queen falls somewhere between classic Art Deco Miami and E11even. There are club props like a fog machine pumping dense air, a massive disco ball in the center of the dining room, and a DJ booth that sits in front of what appears to be a golden portal that leads to a universe where our mayor is a horse in a tux and glitter is a natural source of fiber. By some design miracle, all these elements work together, accentuating the jazzy space, which also has acres of velvet and a giant peacock that may or may not be taxidermied. photo credit: Queen photo credit: Queen The food at Queen isn’t the main event. The main event is the main event. Every night, dinner is interrupted by some kind of performance. This can be a violinist playing covers of songs from the Billboard charts, or aerial dancers you stare at with anxiety and awe. It’s a spectacle that serves as a reminder of why you’re here in the first place—to have a spiritually gluttonous evening in a restaurant that feels like the offspring of a circus and a nightclub. But unlike most Queen-adjacent places around Miami, the atmosphere doesn’t come at the food’s expense. The loosely defined Asian menu is a few steaks and sushi rolls too long, but understands its role as background noise to the entertainment. The servers are clearly used to clientele with a 24-hour livestream, and kindly wait for you to pull out your phone to record them pouring cilantro coconut sauce onto your seabass. It’s juicy, very tasty, and at $55, begs for an obnoxious flash video so you can remember the expensive fish months later while aimlessly scrolling through your camera roll. You find yourself at Queen for one of two reasons. Either you were invited by your very rich friend (who’s paying), or you genuinely enjoy the clubstaurant scene. And while 95% of the clubstaurants in Miami are tacky discos with unseasoned branzino, Queen is a proper glitzy dining adventure that demands credit from both clubstaurant aficionados and haters. It might not be your scene, but in the Miami clubstaurant universe, no one’s doing it better. Food Rundown photo credit: Queen The Show The nightly entertainment at Queen is a spectrum that ranges from musical performances featuring classical instruments turned unclassical, or an agile dancer with the elasticity of warm chewing gum. This happens on a stage that’s smack in the middle of the dining room, which, if you're lucky, could mean right beside you. photo credit: Queen Crispy Salmon Nigiri “The salmon’s from New Zealand,” says your server, with the kind of enthusiasm kids have when they show you their sorry attempt at a cartwheel. But the excitement here is warranted. The salmon on this crispy rice/nigiri hybrid is damn good. photo credit: Queen Wagyu Roll This roll consists of asparagus and pickled radish topped with slivers of seared wagyu that are still juicy inside. Getting something with wagyu feels mandatory at a place like this, and at $30, this is the cheapest option. photo credit: Queen Tuna Pizzetta The “pizzetta” aspect of this is described as a “parmesan sesame flatbread.” But it looks more like Wheat Thins—although with a hint of truffle flavor. It’s really good, but really small, and will be gone before you get to a second bite. photo credit: Queen Miso Glazed Chilean Seabass When sauces come on the side, servers here pour them for you, rather slowly like it’s an ‘80s milk commercial. The coconut sauce on this dish is sweet, creamy, and pairs great with the sea bass. photo credit: Mariana Trabanino Skirt Steak Spending a college semester’s worth of supplies at Queen is a given. But if you’re trying to save a little, get the skirt steak. It’s 12 ounces of great meat with a forgettable salsa verde, but it is the most affordable of the steak options. photo credit: Queen Golden Flower Cheesecake Get this over the chocolate soufflé. The servers let you do the fun part of cracking the rose-shaped white chocolate shell. Beneath it is a soft cheesecake with enough passion fruit sauce to make each bite taste like an all-expenses-paid trip to Sandals, Jamaica." - Mariana Trabanino
