"If, like us, you’re denied entry at Habibi for wearing the wrong shoes, take it as a bullet dodged. Because you’ve just spared yourself from twoish hours of syrupy cocktails, teeny $60 lamb chops, and more clashing patterns than the Miami Children’s Museum. Habibi, a vaguely Moroccan restaurant on the Miami River, is like a conniving Miami realtor. They promise you waterfront views and luxurious amenities. But there’s actually no outdoor seating whatsoever. You only get a partial view of the gross Miami River, although it’s mostly blocked by a massive copper bar. And if you’re seated in front of said bar, your only view will be of a bartender pouring prebatched cocktails into their decapitated zebra glasses. video credit: Mariana Trabanino You will feel trapped inside this pink, zebra-wallpapered (they sure do love zebras) dining room. Your only escape is a trip to the bathroom, which is inexplicably a trailer detached from the building (like the ones you’d find at Ultra’s VIP section). These bougie porta-potties are unintentionally hilarious: fully equipped with golden swan faucet heads and a communal hairbrush. The restaurant boasts about its Moroccan flavors with influences from the entire globe—as if it was Epcot. But most of the dishes lack the most fundamental seasoning of all: salt. And in keeping with the restaurant’s spirit of ineffective maximalism, everything is either too sweet, too bland, or too tough to chew. If you don’t take our advice and decide to change into the spare heels you keep in your trunk, our heart breaks for you. Just take two orders of their za’atar fries to-go and have them with the yellowtail snapper from Garcia’s down the street. Food Rundown Prince Mezze Platter We don’t know what it tastes like because they forgot to bring it to our table. So maybe take a chance and let us know? video credit: Mariana Trabanino “Cigar” Roulés Caramélisés These goat cheese phyllo rolls are drizzled with honey and sprinkled with truffle, so yeah, they taste good. But they’re not worth $24. Shish-Barak There’s too much dumpling skin and too little wagyu stuffing. Not even the side of ponzu sauce can inject flavor into this. photo credit: Mariana Trabanino “Lollipop” Côtelettes D’Agneau Each lamp chop is about the size of a Tootsie Pop and desperately needs salt. Underneath, there’s a carrot puree that tastes like a HomeGoods candle called “Autumnal Vibes.” Baklava According to our server, the baklava is shipped in from Istanbul. And it’s OK. But it’s hampered by the goat cheese ice cream they sandwich inside of it." - Mariana Trabanino
