Haaay East Bay l.
Yelp
I am logging on to Yelp for the first time in about a decade (I'm one of those old hags) to leave this review.
This pizza, or getting this pizza, makes me bang my head against the wall in tears of frustration and ecstasy. I suppose in the context of insufferable Bay Area foodie "regulars" (like that awful dude who made Yume sushi shut its doors because he loved to manspread his arms across his date and the whole bar and scream, "I'm a regular, right Hideki? I'll take the oh-mah-kah-saayyy!"), I'll go ahead and say that I've been enjoying Emilia's pizza since it opened, and one of my go-to party jokes is actually kinda like how Yume kept diminishing the maximum party size you can bring ("Next time just two ... next time just one ... next time don't come at all.")
The party joke goes, since the advent of the ordering website:
You used to be able to call up and get a pizza here. Then there was this era when you'd call around 5 pm and get told that the only available slot is 9:30 pm. Then that moved to 4 pm. There was a good year or two when no matter what time I'd call, I wouldn't be able to order a pizza for any time before 8 pm. It was like calling Tumbleweed on KALX for concert tickets. I'd call, get a busy signal, hang up, and have a mock conversation out loud to myself about picking up the phone, ordering a pizza, confirming, hanging up, then back in real life I'd redial and bingo, connected.
Then came the website. This was before the chart of success. In the beginning, I'd still just wait until 4 pm to to call. After about a year with no pizza, I finally decided to set a damn alarm for 8:59 am exactly so I can run to my computer and order. Kinda like that time in 2003 when tickets for the 2008 Beijing Olympics opened, I clicked the minute they were released, and they were already sold out.
Then 9 am begat a 20% success rate. So if you click between 8:55 am and 8:59 am you might be lucky enough to get in the queue. But then, is the system going to refresh? Oh shit, I'm in Firefox incognito, it might not work. Shit, I blinked, now I'm timed out and have to start all over. And they're all out!
Nowadays I get on at exactly 8:54 am, finger and eyes twitching.
I have cursed with my fist to the sky, "DAMN YOU KEITH! You bastard! Why do you make such good pizza?! I hate you! You're totally cackling rubbing your hands together aren't you!"
Recently, I successfully got only my second pizza in about a year and a half of trying. This is like torture. The world shouldn't be this way. And I keep coming back.
And I'm not one of those people who would stand in line for 4 hours at Luca in Brooklyn for a single calzone in a paper bag. I often scream out the window at 51st and Shattuck at the ghosts of the fools who would take a several hour work from home break on a Tuesday to stand in line with all the other damn hipsters just to get a Bakesale Betty's piece of chicken and sticky strawberry shortcake. Not worth it. Nothing's that worth it. But here I am, validating this frustration for this damn pizza.
I really truly mean this: Keith, you should have designed the COVID-19 vaccination websites for all of America, or at least California. You would have made order out of this shite. You are a master at reshuffling the chaos of the public's impulsive behavior and getting them to grudgingly fall in line. You win. Your pizza is the best I've ever had in my life.